The suck

I wrote this post on my secret blog. 
The one that no ones reads but me. 
But today I want to share it.


I  know that it isn't all or nothing.  Life isn't either peaches and cream or else "the suck."  But it sure does feel like it sometimes.

It's like I think I have it all figured out.  I have all the answers.  Not necessarily that everything is perfect, but that I have the tools to make everything okay.  And then something happens and I get completely knocked off my rocker.  And suddenly life is  "the suck" again.

Sidenote: I don't know why I'm calling it "the suck."  I don't say that.  Somehow that seems like the appropriate thing to call it.

And just as easily I think something small and insignificant can make it all better.

I think it's because I do it wrong.  Like what Isaiah said....
(or at least what I understood from what he said.)

 Behold all ye that kindle fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks, walk in the light of your fire and in the sparks which ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand—ye shall lie down in sorrow.

So I try to make my own light.  My own happiness.  Do it my way.  And it seems like peaches and cream.  And then crap happens and I lay down in sorrow.

But no one who does it the right way walks in darkness and has no light.

It's sort of like yoga.  (But what isn't?)  I can use momentum and swing my body into a pose and think I am a rock star.  And the next day my muscles ache from doing something they weren't ready to do.  Or I can use my bandhas and move slowly and purposefully.  Doing it this way makes it look like I'm not as far along.  But it shows where I really am.

So where am I?  And what is the right way? 

Dunno.

There is so much to do.  I need to decide what is most important to me.  I need to decide what I really WANT to do.  Not what I think I need to do.